February 2009
2 posts
this is what i do. always thinking. always escaping from thoughts. thoughts trying to get free, and then bring me along. to say; such a delicate operation. just the right edge, not too wide, not too narrow. it’s quite a trick. not to confuse, or over saturate. that fine edge we skate along, and we are free then, unbound. a most elegant trick, a supple confusion, filled with just a hint of...
Who are you to judge?
I judge too. I am a hypocrite. It doesn’t bother me too much. I’m not trying to be like jesus. I’m just trying to find a way to survive in a haphazard world. I will at times step back and realize I don’t know all the particulars. but some things are beyond sympathy. to damage your own children without struggling with every fiber of your being to get better. and that case is plain. when they don’t...
January 2009
3 posts
open
here it is. still. it won’t go away. the wound. it opens less now. I think it festers, always. sometimes it seems better. I rise above; it doesn’t hurt. I can see the future; it is bright and open. I just have to take it. but it won’t stay. it keeps opening. triggers. and it opens. still there. old, very old. all the desperation, desperate moves to get away. then giving up, rat in a cage, being...
irony
I have forever been fruitlessly agonizing over the meaning of this strange life. To understand where I fit in it; how to maneuver around these others that vaguely resemble me. I have wasted a lot of time, of life this way. I have made some headway, but not enough to balance what was put in.
The world around me is humming, while all around lay artifacts of my confusion. I stand ready to move, to...
(N)ever
It was going badly. So it was only a matter of degree. Not only, as if only a difference of mere unhappiness or agony; only a difference of discomfort and misery. How badly it would have gone I could only guess. “If only” never matters. It was.
Still, I imagine the day before and the day after. Always, this old movie in my head, filled in with memories of memories. Always sad, the pain always...
November 2008
4 posts
waiting
i’m waiting, my whole life i’ve been waiting, and sometimes they describe it so that i still believe it is, somewhere. do you know what i mean? i want to stop waiting, start living, but i don’t even know what that means. i want to crawl inside an e. e. cummings poem and then my heart will burst and pieces of me will fall glittering and content.
perhaps they shouldn’t tease me...
eden
at least i’m not ordinary. i could search for hours for someone with something to say and find only the most mundane and trivial thoughts imaginable. so no one reads and fewer understand what i say and feel. i begin to think less of myself, not in my usual melodramatic way of distracting myself from my true flaws and weaknesses, but by looking honestly at who i am and what i want. i...
EDEN - HOOVERPHONIC
He was born in a manger
I have been inspired. I never thought that would happen. I am the most cynical person I’ve ever know.
Everything is changing. I’m even capitalizing. I’m not sure why, but maybe I was wrong and I’m trying different things. A lot of different things. Such as not hating people for their ignorance and hatred. Like this republican on MSNBC right now saying Sarah Palin is...
October 2008
5 posts
the lost
there is no point. only breathing, eating, finding shelter. somehow trapped in this close space, this asylum, wondering always if anyone at all is like her. no, not always, not anymore. that stopped years ago. an inconstant yearning, a foolish hope, running neck and neck with the hope that this need to breath, eat and find safety would be put to rest, finally. only fear and ineffectuality kept her...
does your heart not break? so self-contained. is that a ruse? this one way conversation now. it tells me how much it meant to anyone to talk to me. it’s ok, it doesn’t matter really. i’ve spoken of it before, the value of things. i just like to imagine sometimes i’m wrong. you at least read this, i think, which is more than anyone else.
BT - Satellite
the expanding universe
it goes back beyond my memory. that time when things were close together. when the distance and cold did not pierce me. it was dark then, but a different darkness; warm and comforting. so i push through this fear as best i can. i know nothing, i believe nothing. i only know the others fool themselves to try to reclaim that early comfort. so i stand here, all of us in the cold, but only i shiver....
the wrong life
i have been thwarted. perhaps it is why i am so filled with the desire to destroy those who had estimable lives within their grasp, and are unforgivably deficient. why i am filled with loathing so powerful that when it rises i must put it away before it eats too much of me. i do not say such a life was made impossible for me. and i have not given up. but it was made difficult to the point i have...
September 2008
7 posts
the Palin/Obama paradox
palin doesn’t use proper english and it’s charming, folksy. palin’s 17 year old daughter gets pregnant and it does not besmirch her character. imagine now these things on obama’s side.
i hate this country. is there sense elsewhere in the world?
e-motion
now a precious pun
it had something before
something imagined
it was never real
nothing is
all granted moment beyond the simple is and nothing more
as if one thing were more than another
and it is
don't let it be
and yet it may be decided by the most racist of americans. if the race is close, and it is, and mccain wins, it will be by the grace of the most racist of americans who cannot vote for barack for one reason only. your future may be determined by this level of person. i am hoping that those with only incidental racism can ignore it enough to counteract this.
Good Advices - REM
if i say to you, i like rain, maybe i elaborate on puddles, a deer comes to drink, and i’ve left you so far behind. many worlds away, this strange life, so distant right in front of you.
Old Man Kensey - REM
“in utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable.”
– john steinbeck